


vox nihili

by corvus_corvus



Series: IchiRuki Month 2018 [3]
Category: Bleach
Genre: Angst, Awful Latin Titles, Could Be Canon, F/M, Marriage, Mostly Canon Compliant, Pre-686, lots of feelings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-23
Updated: 2018-08-23
Packaged: 2019-07-01 15:27:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,078
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15776877
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/corvus_corvus/pseuds/corvus_corvus
Summary: “I figured a first and last kiss couldn’t hurt.”





	vox nihili

**Author's Note:**

> This was written for IchiRuki Month 2018, Day 23: proposal. I've had this story in the works for months, but this prompt was a good final push to finish it. Enjoy!

vox nihili: the voice of nothing; a meaningless statement  
___

Byakuya barely speaks to her, so when she is called to visit him late one evening, Rukia is immediately concerned. She treads lightly on her way to his office, foreboding hanging like a blade over her head. Rukia tries to shake it off—it’s an irrational fear that has no place in her all too rational mind—yet it stays sitting deep in her stomach. 

Byakuya sits at his desk writing neat calligraphy. He doesn’t even look up at her when he tells her, “Lieutenant Abarai has requested your hand in marriage.”

“Wha—” He cuts her off before she has a chance to process his words. 

“I accepted.”

“You, you what?” Rukia feels like she has been slapped. “You cannot. No one asked me!”

“You are a Kuchiki. It is not entirely your decision to make. It is past time for you to take this step and show more stability for the sake of your role to the Kuchiki Clan.”

Rukia gapes. Stunned silence is unlike her, but it’s all she can muster up.

Byakuya sighs, breaking their eye contact for the first time as he brings his face to his palms. It is a gesture belonging to a tired man. “You know,” he begins, “I truly am trying to do what is best for you. It is hard to see from your position, I am sure.” He pauses. When he begins speaking again, it is leagues quieter. Rukia must hold her breath to hear him. “You don’t know what I had to do to get you this. To convince them accept a proposal of someone you know.” Byakuya returns his gaze to her. “The elders want to pair you off with nobles, men you have never met. Cliché, for sure, but no less true. This is the best option you have available.”

Rukia crosses her arms, shock dissipating to make way for fury. “Maybe it is,” she counters, thinking of orange hair and brown eyes and a man who has never been willing to settle for something just because it’s the best option available. “But that’s not enough.”

Byakuya sees a fire in her eyes that he doesn’t remember seeing when he first met her. He doesn’t even remember seeing it when she began to find her place in the thirteenth division. If anything, it makes him think of someone else, and he is afraid to admit to himself that he knows exactly who he has seen wear that look before. His chest tightens, and Byukuya feels his eyebrows furrow. He has felt this heartbreak before and he would do anything to save Rukia from such a feeling. 

Even though he knows the boy would never intend it, loving Kurosaki Ichigo will bring her nothing but pain. Byakuya knows it as clearly as he knows Rukia is independent and strong and will not listen to his well-meaning advice. His protectiveness morphs into cold exasperation at her naiveté. 

He gets to the point. “You cannot marry Kurosaki Ichigo,” he says as he wills himself to stay steady, prays to anyone and anything that she will not mention his less than supported life with Hisana.

Rukia’s eyebrow twitches as her jaw sets, her face a picture of stubbornness. Between clenched teeth, Rukia whispers, “No one said anything about Ichigo.” She closes her eyes and takes a breath, reigning in her emotions. “None of this is about Ichigo,” she says with a calmer voice, but equally uncompromising tone. “This is about my life being controlled by other people. About other people making decisions that should be solely mine to make.”

“Part of being a major representative of this clan—”

“But why?” She cuts him off as her anger breaks free once again. “Why do I have to be married to someone they approve to be a stable and worthy representative? Why do I have to be married at all? And I suppose after that you’ll somehow require me to have a child with this man? Give up my career and all that I’ve worked for from before I even knew you, all without my consent?” Her hands become fists at her sides and she wishes she was carrying her sword so she could make her point clearer. “You’ve already cut short my education, broken relationships with the few friends I had, and tried to have me executed for the sake of my role as a representative of this damn clan.”

Rukia braces her hands on his desk and leans over so she can ensure Byakuya looks her in the eye. With quiet intensity, she continues. “And I used to be okay with it. I used to idolize you.” She pauses, unblinking. “But someone showed me that I was worth more than that. That I deserved better. And it took a lot of work for me to believe it, too, but I won’t go back to that again. I will stand up for myself now.”

“Someone you say,” Byakuya scoffs, rage bubbling up in response to her stubbornness, “and you still wish me to believe this has nothing to do with Kurosaki Ichigo?” Why can’t she see he is trying to save her from herself?

“It does not!” She yells, loud like she does in battle. Is this a battle to her? “I am telling you that I will not marry Renji or anyone else. I am telling you that I am no longer willing to let my life be outside my control. Why won’t you listen to me?”

“Why won’t you listen to me?” Byakuya almost raises his voice. Almost. “I am doing this because I care about you. I don’t want you to suffer. No matter how much you love him it will not be worth the pain.”

“I do not love him!”

“I do not believe you.”

They stare silently at each other for a small eternity. He sees that fire in her eyes again, and as much as he wants to see it flourish and watch her flourish with it, he knows the world will break her. He would rather be the one to break her now, would rather he harms her in the gentlest way possible. He has to kill it, no matter how much it will kill the both of them. Rukia turns and walks out the door without a word.

Against his better judgement, he glides to the door, graceful even in his anger. He speaks to her back, “Running off to cry to Kurosaki? Are you going to beg him to save you again?”

Rukia turns, furious. As she storms out the manor, she yells, “I don’t need Ichigo!”  
___

She needs Ichigo.

Rukia stands in front of Kurosaki Ichigo’s door lifting her hand to knock when Ichigo opens the door before her she even touches it. He looks at her and blushes, hand moving to scratch the back of his neck as soon as he absorbs the implications of his actions. “I, um, I just felt your reiatsu. Yeah.” Ichigo shuffles to the side and holds the door open, still avoiding her gaze even as he invites her inside. Rukia has never tried to knock before. She always barges in unannounced, waltzing through the window, phasing through walls, wedging her way into his soul.

She tells him everything. What happened. What she said. The panic and fear consuming her. That she said she doesn’t need him but she is so, so paralyzingly afraid that she does. 

That she thinks her brother is right. That she thinks this might be the best option she has. 

And he listens, damn him, because he is being soft and gentle and kind and she’s eighty percent sure that there is no more painful way to go about this. 

“Rukia,” Ichigo looks at her now, gaze tender. His eyes hold so much more weight than she is ready to handle and Rukia flinches. “I will be anything, everything I can for you. Whatever you need. Please.” He reaches out for her and she can see him shaking as easily as she can feel the resolve in his heart. Rukia’s movement is slow and calculated; she is shaking too. She places her hand in his and he takes hold, pulling them together, wrapping his arms around her and how have they never hugged before? She feels so safe, grounded. Even though her lungs feel restricted by the strength of his arms, Rukia feels like she can breathe deeply for the first time in her life.  
___

Rukia is at Byakuya’s office before he is, watching the sun rise as she waits for him. When he arrives, she does not look at him. Rukia doesn’t even let him unlock the door and invite her in before saying, “I will accept Lieutenant Abarai’s proposal.”

She leaves immediately after, but he does not miss her red, watery eyes and the dark circles under them. Byakuya mourns, but he does not know what other options they have.  
___

Rukia visits Ichigo again a few nights later.

“I need you to reassure me that this is the right choice. I need you to make sure I don’t run away. I have to do this, but I don’t think I’m strong enough alone.”

Ichigo laughs joylessly. Still there is a smirk on his face as he rolls his eyes and replies, “I don’t really think I’m the right person for this job.” His hand goes to the back of his neck as he stares at the floor, and Rukia’s heart breaks at the unsaid confession within that gesture.

“Please,” she begs. 

“Rukia, you don’t have to,” he stops himself. She couldn’t miss the way his eyes widened at her out of character admission of weakness. Ichigo reaches his hand out towards her, mouth open and ready to speak before pulling back again. “Of course I’ll do it,” he says quietly, crossing his arms, “I’d do anything for,” they make eye contact for a dangerous split second as he stops himself. “All you had to do was ask. Consider it done.”

She gives him the best smile she can muster up even though she’s sure it must be deeply unconvincing. “Thank you.” 

She watches him shift his weight and cautiously calculate the distance between them. “Everything’s going to be fine, Rukia.” He backs away from her a single step and in the silence she can hear both their hearts beating too fast.  
___

Ichigo is not invited to the wedding.  
___

The night before she plans to marry a man she does not love, she panics. Rukia arrives at Ichigo’s home before she knows it. 

He opens the door to her tear-stained face, and Rukia can see the panic in the way his eyes dart around. He won’t stand within five feet of her since he hugged her months ago. 

She wants to scream.

“I can’t do it,” Rukia mumbles more to say it than to have him hear her. He hears it anyways. 

Ichigo gives her a look with furrowed eyebrows and despair. “And it’s my job to make sure you go through with it.”

“No,” she replies with a surge of bravery. Maybe she was right, she cannot fight this alone, but perhaps she was wrong in thinking she had to.

“What are you talking about?” he asks, hopeful but afraid, “you asked me to help you, to make sure you don’t run away.”

Rukia shakes her head. “I did, but maybe you don’t have to.” She looks up at him but he won’t look her in the eye. He is still watching the space between them, but she takes a step forward and he doesn’t back away. It’s progress. “Help me run away instead,” she whispers. He flinches and stumbles backwards, and she follows him. Rukia closes the space between them, grabbing his forearms even as he tries to twist away. “Run away _with_ me.”

She pulls them together, her arms around him as she pushes her face into his chest. They stay frozen for a long moment, him held by her, before he sighs brokenly and returns the embrace. Ichigo’s face is buried against her neck and when he whispers it feels like he’s trying to press the words into her skin. Rukia feels the words more than she hears them.

“Rukia,” he says, so close she can feel his lips shape the words, “I will never be your, your whatever, your husband I guess. But I will be here for you, for better or for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health.” He traces circles on her back while she holds her breath. “I take you to,” he pauses and when he starts again he speaks quieter than she even thought possible, “To love.” She was holding her breath before but now she couldn’t breathe if she wanted to. “To love and to cherish. You are my light.” His voice cracks in time with her resolve. Rukia feels slow tears escape her eyes. “I promise you, I promise with my whole heart to always be by your side. Whenever you want me.” 

She feels his eyelids flutter in the way his eyelashes brush against her skin. He takes a deep breath and she feels his tears slide down her neck. She holds him tighter. 

“I know, Ichigo. Thank you.”

He takes a shuddering breath as she stretches to whisper in his ear, “I love you, too.”  
___

“We can’t run away,” Ichigo says, breaking the peaceful silence between them. Curled up on his bed, holding each other, Rukia has never felt more loved.

She looks up at him. “Why not? It isn’t that late and no one should be looking for me before tomorrow morning.” Rukia runs her thumb across his cheek bone, a gesture she never thought she’d get to perform on this man. “We have time.” She wiggles out of his grip and sits up, “If we go now, we can get a good head start.” Her mind supplies visions of them centuries older, both purely spirits now, drinking tea and bickering in some quiet, way off town. She imagines seeing his laugh and smile every day instead of the rarity it has become. “If we disappear, we will have all the time in the world.” 

His eyes are still red, but she imagines she isn’t much better off. Ichigo rolls onto his back, his hand still holding hers. “No,” he says it gently but that may hurt even more, “if we run we will have no time. We will always be running and hiding and looking over our shoulders. That’s not time or freedom or anything like that. That’s a prison of its own.” Rukia feels fury flare up in her chest, but it’s only because she knows he is right. “You deserve better.”

“When did you have to get so wise and thoughtful?” She huffs in mock anger, yet she can’t help smiling at this man who has grown into something more beautiful than she ever expected. It hurts. “And really, you don’t get to decide what I deserve.” Her words are softer when she tells him, “I deserve you. You are my favorite person. Why can’t I have that?”

“Maybe you could. Somewhere. Somehow.” He sits up now, a sad smile as he meets her eyes. “But as much as the other shit shouldn’t matter, it does. They will come after us.” The smile completely leaves his face and she is left facing raw, solemn grief. “I would rather be your friend, have you marry someone else, but have you be alive and safe. I can’t,” he starts speaking, but the set of his jaw tells her he is searching for the right words. “I won’t let you get hurt anymore. I can’t take it. I love you too much.”  
___

They hold each other until the early morning. Neither sleeps.

At 3:42 in the morning, Rukia works up the nerve to kiss him and her heart soars as much as it breaks. He looks at her, confused and blushing. 

“I figured a first and last kiss couldn’t hurt,” she admits, blushing herself. 

This time, they both cry.  
___

As Rukia prepares for the ceremony, donning heavy, formal clothing she has never felt comfortable in, she feels a tense stillness in the atmosphere. When she ties her hair up in graceful knots, she feels all the air leave the room. By the time she walks down the aisle, she can’t hold her breath any longer and her lungs reach out for air only to find none. Once she makes it to the altar, she is suffocating.

Renji smiles at her, painfully sincere; Rukia rustles up what she hopes is an equal smile, grateful for her acting skills no matter how dramatic. The way he looks at her tells her he believes it. 

She is lucky. He loves her. It makes him easier to fool.

Guilt washes over her at the thought, but Rukia thinks of what her brother said that first night, what she thought herself, what Ichigo said, and knows that terrible as it is, it’s all they have.

She makes it to the altar. The ceremony starts. 

Suddenly, she sees rain—she cannot help it. They have always been connected. But this is something more. This is a violent storm complete with roaring wind and raging lightning. This is pain so deep it lashes out, cutting into her.

She feels a tear run down her cheek. She feels her lungs flutter helplessly. She feels like she is going to pass out under the weight of emotions that are only partially hers.

She can see him sitting, alone and miserable in the World of the Living as clearly as she knows he can see her dressed up and standing in front of Renji, holding his hands while the end draws closer. She remembers their kiss and wishes it was him she was marrying instead, and the rain falls harder. It makes her sick, buffeted by rough wind and sharp water, but she revels in it because she knows the feelings are real. 

Rukia sees the ceremony through a haze while thunder and lightning drown out the words, but she can read lips enough to know when it is time.

“I do,” she says, and she can hear Ichigo scream. She begs him to scream enough for the both of them.


End file.
